Understanding the Relationship Boundary

I'm sure many of you have had relationships or friendships that leave you feeling emotionally drained. And not just emotionally spent, but mentally depleted as well. This may be a friend who has high anxiety, their energy is high, but they overthink and worry. They may ruminate and oftentimes seem stuck in their own deprecation. And yet, their motivation for improvement is low. They come to you asking for your help, and being a good friend/partner, you are willing to give your time to listen. But the advice they seek has zero impact on their behavior. The words you speak fall on deaf ears. It is an incredibly frustrating and draining cycle to be in with someone you care about.

I had a friend named E. We hit it off at the gym one day, we happened to be next to each other and just started talking after laughing over something that we both witnessed. The gym is funny that way, there is so much to laugh at if you are looking for it. With our schedules, we often would work out at the same time during the week. We would use the time to catch up on everything and anything. But as the relationship deepened, I found myself sharing less and listening more. She was divorced with three kids. She had some trauma from her marriage, but was an amazing single mother. She did it all. But she was extremely insecure as a result of everything she experienced while married. She was dating, and we laughed over so many stories from those dates. But the high level of insecurity combined with some anxiety meant that we were constantly in a cycle of her sharing with intense emotion, and me reassuring her.

Every workout turned into a therapy session. She would cry, I would comfort her. I would reassure her and give her a peptalk. She would leave the gym with a renewed sense of purpose and motivation. This extended outside of the gym as well, we texted books to each other of the same pattern. I found as time went on that when she would leave the gym I would feel relief. Or if a day went by where she skipped the gym or we had minimal texting, I felt less stressed overall. For some people, this is a toxic relationship. It has no boundaries to protect how much you give of yourself. It may not seem so because overall the friendship was a fun and silly one. E had a huge heart. She was beautiful inside and out. But when a person cannot see for themselves how much they take from a relationship relative to what they contribute, boundaries are bent and toxicity can seep in.

If you can connect to any aspects of this little story about my friendship with E, and you find yourself taking on some of that person's emotions for yourself, then you may need help forming more concrete boundaries so that you don't carry on that emotional burden. All relationships are a give-and-take, but the safety in that is feeling appreciated and understood. Without one you cannot have the other. You have to feel trust that the person can be there for you in the same way that you are there for them. When that doesn't happen, over time the relationship is no longer a healthy one that contributes to your life in a positive way.