What is Your Responsibility in a Relationship?
Oh I'm so happy you reached out, it's good to hear from you." We have all heard it before from a friend whom we haven't spoken to in a while. Life can get in the way, but usually when there is a deep silence within a relationship (two friends, siblings,or parent/child) there is a reason for it. It could have been an argument from which feelings were never fully resolved. It could have been a passing comment which offended the other person, but poor communication did not allow for further discussion. It could have been an offensive act that deeply hurt the other person. Or, it could just be that the relationship was no longer bringing happiness or fulfillment to one or both individuals in that relationship. But, is that a neutral statement? Or is it meant to be provocative? Is that person gaslighting you into thinking you're at fault for the lack of communication?
In my work with my clients, as well as within my friendships, I hear more often than anything "I don't like confrontation." But I also find that people often confuse confrontation with self expression. Expressing how you feel is not confrontational. Not all interactions that are between two people on opposite sides of an argument have to be contentious. But because a lot of people are not skilled at expressing their opinions or their feelings without being defensive or offensive, the interaction usually becomes heated and contentious, which people then try to avoid at all costs. So in this scenario with the above statement "it's good to hear from you" it is frequently because someone was avoiding a confrontation. And in that gap of communication, each person is thinking why or how, often feeling anger or sadness towards the other because of it. Is it fair to place fault at the other person for not reaching out, when you are just as responsible for communicating your own feelings to that person? Being in a relationship with someone requires some responsibility for how healthy and open the two of you are.
When we are in personal relationships with other people, at the baseline level it does serve us a purpose. That purpose could be companionship, support, comradeship in work, or just simple enjoyment of company. When that purpose is no longer at the forefront, one person will often step away. However, what some people don't recognize, is that, although you are free to step away from the relationship, it is also part of your responsibility to communicate that. Learning healthy communication skills is one of the most important foundations for a thriving relationship in any context. In our work together, I can help you learn those skills. If you recognize yourself as being someone who does not communicate or advocate for themselves in a relationship, I can help you.
